10 Tips to Improve Your Couple Relationship

It would be inaccurate to say that most couples struggle with communication — all couples do!

The reason for that is A. that we are not mind readers, and B. that we assume we are. We often expect our partners to know what we feel, need, or mean without us saying it clearly.

In my work with couples, I often meet partners who still love each other deeply, but have fallen into painful patterns of misunderstanding, defensiveness, distance, or silence.

Learning how to communicate differently is often the first step toward rebuilding connection, safety, and closeness. From there, it is so much easier to get on the highroad to happiness and satisfaction, less fighting and more calm conversations and solution-oriented discussions.

Most of us were never taught how to communicate well in intimate relationships — despite how central relationships are to our wellbeing.

I’ve collected a few tips and tricks for you from my practice. Don’t be overwhelmed, you can start with choosing just one or two habits and integrate them gradually into your life.

10 Relationship Habits That Strengthen Communication and Connection:

1. Learn to listen until your partner feels understood.

As Stephen Covey says in his book: “Seek first to understand then - to be understood. “

Note: Understanding does not mean agreeing. It means making your partner feel emotionally heard before responding.

If you don’t understand - ask instead of arguing. Sometimes we assume we understand the other partner, but it’s not always so. The best way to make sure you understand correctly is to listen silently with intent and respect, put yourself in the other’s ‘shoes’. You listen attentively, every few sentences you reflect back what you heard and understood, and ask: “did I get it right? Is this what you meant?”.

2. Be considerate: Consideration and compromises play a vital role of any partnership.

   “If this matters deeply to you, I’m willing to be flexible.”

3. Acceptance: A healthy relationship requires accepting that your partner is a separate human being — not a project to fix or redesign.

   “This is my partner, no one is perfect, it’s not my job to redesign him/her."

4. Choose forgiveness: Stop keeping emotional score and constantly reminding the partner of all slip-ups ever made.

5. Let go of competition: Relationships suffer when partners relate to each other through comparison, power, or keeping score. Healthy couples learn to celebrate each other’s strengths rather than compete for superiority. Here we will need to let go of a world view that sees all people on a vertical ladder – either above or below me.

   “Each of us has our strengths and our challenges, we are partners and I’m proud of my partner’s successes and virtues, and I am supportive and encouraging.”

6. Learn to cooperate fully: this means each of us is doing our best, without measuring contributions, doing what needs to be done and not in order to prove something to someone.

7. Open communication: stop thinking of my partner as the enemy, talk to them as you speak to your best friend; encouraging, empathic. Try to replace grumpy complaints with a request or a wish for change.

Instead of “why do you always throw your socks on the floor?” – try:

“I wish you will put your dirty socks in the basket”

Or instead of “where were you all night??” – try:

“It would be great if next time you remember to let me know when you’re late, I was so worried something happened to you”.

8. Distinguishing: You are two separate people; your partner’s behaviour and mood is not always about you. Their frustration, anxiety, or stress does not need to define your emotional state, their choices don't necessarily reflect your values and your choice, and that is ok.

9. Focus on what you can control: We cannot control our partner, rewrite the past, or force change. We can take responsibility for our own behaviour, reactions, and communication.

10. Focus on what is, on the positive: Notice what is working. Couples often become so focused on what is missing that they stop noticing what is still good between them.

Appreciation, gratitude, affection, humour, teamwork — these moments matter more than people realise.

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When your partner comes home upset you may want to try this 3-step tool (inspired by Esther Perel’s approach to couple’s counselling):

Step 1

Create emotional space: “You seem overwhelmed. Want to talk about it?”

Step 2

Validate the feeling, show empathy: “That sounds really difficult, if this was done to me, I’d be very pissed off”

Step 3

Offer comfort before solutions Sometimes people need empathy and a warm hug before advice.

Try this at home! The power of the right words is magical!

Photo credit: Justin Groep, Unsplash.

Sources:

Abramson, Z. (2005). Learning couple relations.

Perel, E. (2018). Where should we begin?

Covey, S. (1989) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.